Has the petal fallen off the rose?

I admit that I am in love with my husband. Who am I trying to convince, you or me? I feel the need to start out this way because Lord only knows what is about to come out of my mouth and onto this page. I made a vow to myself and to you, that the good, the bad, and the ugly shall set me free, and if I was going to put my personal life out there for all to see, then it was going to be the truth, not just the foo foo sweet nothings that this relationship inspires, but the crapola too.

I find myself saying frequently, my first marriage didn't count, I was young and he was the first person to ever tell me I was smart, special, and give me the attention I felt I did not receive as a child. My second, "real relationship" was long and a great learning experience, but we never married. After that, I took a siesta for several years and decided that I needed to back up and regroup; learn to stand on my own two feet and be the answer to all my questions. I would not trade those years for anything. The self-esteem I gained was worth any loneliness I felt, and I learned to enjoy my own company quite a bit. In my adult years, I did what most women do; I went from one crumbling disaster of a relationship right into another without skipping a beat. I recall the words of a dear friend who said, "A woman who goes from relationship to relationship isn't worth her salt, she never learns who she is, and never learns to stand on her own two feet. She seeks a man to fill a space inside her that only her own self-love can fill". I heard her clearly, like a loud bell ringing in my ears that I could not ignore. Her words left me feeling challenged, so I felt I had to prove to myself that I was not one of those women who jumps out of the frying pan into the fire, so I took a break from men.

I believe it is a genetic, deeply rooted desire within us to mate. We are seeking our soul mate, our "other half", our best friend with benefits, and someone we can share our life with, someone to turn to when we are lonely or need a little help. Why is it so hard to make it work, make it last, make it easy, and why does it seem to fall apart? Why is the divorce rate so high?

Providing spiritual counseling gives me the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. I see everyone from the poor to the rich, the popular and beautiful to the lonely and average, the happy to the sad, and every possible category imagined. I counsel on health, work/career, money issues, and of course the almighty relationship issues. Predicting the outcome of a relationship is the most difficult part of my job. There are many factors to consider when including the desires of more than one person. There are no two people alike, not even twins, and to get two different people from two different backgrounds and experiences to agree or to even get along the majority of the time is near ialmost mpossible. Some of us like chocolate and some of us like vanilla. Some of us desire commitment and some of us go running, screaming as if our hair is on fire the other way at the mere thought of committing. There are many factors when considering compatibility, which is the foundation for a lasting relationship. Have I told you anything you do not already know, most likely I have not.

The list to consider when deciding: Is this going to work?

Compatibility: do we enjoy the same things?

1. Are we both homebodies? Does one like being social, and the other like staying at home?

2. Does one partner feel as if they are family-oriented, and the other could care less, has no family, or not close to their family; they have not spent time with family in years, and do not care to anytime soon?

3. Does one-love animals and has eight cats, and the other allergic to fur, or claims to be, and it is just an excuse?

4. Does one want children or have children and the other cringes at the sound of pattering feet and gags at the thought of snotty noses?

Education:

1. One is educated, loves to learn new things...the other not so much, and does not.

1. One is career-oriented and wants to achieve success and reach great heights in their career...and the other just wants a "job" as opposed to a "career. This could be a sign that arguing about money is just around the corner.

Money:

One is one a saver...and one a spender.

This is usually at the top of the list of why couples argue.　

Goals: do you share any common goals?

If my long-term desire is to own land in the country and I am in love with a city boy, this may not work.

Sex:

If you do not want to throw your partner up against the wall and just eat 'em up...then do not waste your time. If you find yourself with a so-so attraction, it may not be the best choice considering how important attraction and desire is to the majority of our population. Compatibility in the bedroom is very important, and I believe we should at least consider this before we sign a legal commitment in blood and make the forever, till death do us part promise.

 I recently had this conversation with my male friend, and we both agree that a healthy sex life seems to lessen the stress we all contend with on a daily basis. It brings a couple closer and says without words that everything is okay in our relationship.

The man I was involved with before Richard said to me quite often, when he is having sex with his partner on a regular basis, he believes everything is okay; she is happy and still loves him. If she turns away from him, she either replaced him or soon will, and he assumes she just simply does not love him anymore. I still smile when recalling this conversation because although he may have been sincere at the time, I cannot help but smell a bit of manipulation on his part, as I am sure you do. Regardless, this is not necessarily always true. Having girl-parts is a different ball game than having boy-parts. Girl-parts require much more maintenance shall we say, and we have cycles to deal with, etc. Internal equipment verses external equipment. It is literally different anatomy. One is the pitcher and one is the catcher so to speak.

If a woman loses her libido, it does not necessarily mean she no longer loves her man. It may be a hormonal, or a health issue, although occasionally, it can come from a problem in the relationship. There is a saying, "A man uses romance to get sex, and a woman uses sex to get romance." Personally, if my feelings get hurt, or I am feeling as if I don't like you very much as a person right now honey, then I am not going to want to get that close. I realize that I am dealing with a loaded gun here, but I do assume men do not necessarily require a heart connection to have a physical connection. This may be propaganda, or sexist thinking, so I will say this is simply my opinion.

If your woman begins to be uninterested in being this close, find out if she is feeling unwell. If you find she is physically, mentally, and emotionally well, then find out what you did that made her mad, and apologize, promise to never do it again, and buy her flowers or something. Make that cold hard cash: not flowers, we can buy flowers if we want them.

Final entry for the list above...."is this going to work?"

Communication:

Agree to disagree. Opinions are like the proverbial butt exit...we all have one...they all smell.

If you cannot say it, try to write it. A letter gives us a chance to edit and to complete a thought without interruption. Follow up afterward, by saying you are concerned how your words were received and want to be sure that your partner understands what you are attempting to say and does not hear only a string of insults, but receives it as a request for something important to you.

Determining and defining the ingredients for a successful relationship is a work in progress for me. I can see that I have only yet begun in my attempt to find the answers and to make sense of it all. The result and final answer I will continue to seek and understand for myself, as well as, for us all. Somebody has to do the dirty work.

As I stated earlier, I am in love with my husband, this I know to be a true and factual. Although I have known Richard for 23 years we only recently became romantic, and I must add, I fell in love at first glance.  After our first official date, he never left.  Truth be told, he came down with the flu and I nursed him back to health.  After a week, he left my arms only long enough to pack his belongings, grab some food and move into my apartment with me, and we were married a short seven months thereafter. This brings us to a total of 16 months now.

Is the honeymoon over; has the petal fallen from the rose? This last month has been the most challenging of the entire 16 months. It seems one earthquake settles down only to brace ourselves for the next, and he nor I , can blame it on PMS, fatigue, stress, or lack of desire. We just seem to be bickering a lot. I feel as if he does not appreciate me, hear me, or care. I am assuming that he thinks I have lost it, or that I may not care anymore, I honestly have no idea what the man is thinking, or if he is thinking at all. If I am to be brutally honest, and let go of my anger and hurt feelings, I know this man loves me, so what is the problem?

Looking at the above list and using it as a guide while considering our relationship, I find that he and I do not pair so well. Richard and I do not have a lot in common, so what brought us together? The only way to articulate my thoughts is the following word vomit.

Richard and I finish each other's sentences. We will say the same thing at the same time almost daily. We laugh every time.

We both love movies and mostly the same type of movies, a good 90 percent anyway. Our music preferences are different. He likes the screaming, loud rock and roll, and I like it occasionally, but I have discovered through his love for it that I do not like it as much as I thought I did.

I love animals and especially cats. Richard loves animals as well, but not exactly the way that I love them. I turn my pets into my babies, and treat them as such, literally. Rich loves them, but sees them as pets, not babies.

Richard is very social and enjoys being amongst people much more than I enjoy spending time in a social circle. My job requires me to connect with people intimately one on one, and Richard works on motorcycles, and dirt bikes, so his connection with people falls more accurately, under a social umbrella.

I am a homebody and he gets antsy if he stays inside too much. Once you get to know me, you find it takes a stick of dynamite to get me out of the house.

We both love children. Women love from a mothering, female perspective, and men from a father and male perspective. I do not see this as a "big deal difference". When holding a weight scale and weighing out the pros and cons in our relationship, this particular issue does not concern me. Many years ago I had my tubes tied, burnt, shipped with no return address to some undisclosed location, so this is not a concern for this chic any longer.

I do feel that he and I need to work on our communication. I will skip this for the moment, although I would like to mention that he has no issue when it comes to opening his mouth. He fills me in on every thorn under his skin, ache, pain, and thought he has concerning anything and everything, and he accuses me frequently of holding it all in and not communicating very well. I agree with him on this and yet again, this is another long-winded subject for the future.

Our sex life is perfect in my opinion. I have no complaints there and I believe we are quite compatible; keeping in mind the short but sweet 16 months we have under our belt, this should not be surprising. If I could tell you the one thing about Richard that convinces me I am truly, deeply, forever in love with him, it would be the way I feel when I lay my head on his chest and just breath in the scent of him. It is the one and only time I feel at home and at peace.

Therefore, my friends, just how important are lists, and weight scales. Does it negate the importance of simply falling in love with someone? Does it throw the heart out and turn finding true love into the same as finding the right car? How many times have I heard the saying, "You don't choose who you love. Love chooses you." It is a feeling, not a mental decision made from facts and logic.

The proverbial petal has fallen off the rose and still, I am convinced that I am so very in love with my husband. I remember stating an opinion not so long ago that couples that do not ever argue; do not truly love one another. If you do not argue...you do not care...and if you do not care then you just do not care, and that should answer all the questions quickly and easily. I prefer to care. If I do not care, then what am I doing? Therefore, maybe, just maybe, it is natural to ebb and to flow, to argue and to make up, to feel happy one day, aggravated, and displeased the other.

I often think about the ocean and the message sent by all we find in nature. One day we find the sea is stormy and almost seems angry, the next we find her calm and serene.

Maybe I am over tired and think too much. I think I will curl up in my husband's arms, lay my head on his chest, and just simply be in love. If that doesn't work, I can always beat him over the head with a rubber chicken until he gives up and does exactly what I want him to do.